XXII.3

"it's unfortunate that you must keep going when losing everything. i think this entry may be shorter because that's how i feel currently. the short end of the stick. contrary to others, i do not think i'm entitled to anything, quite honestly. you have to work like everyone else to get to where you want to be. it's simple. when people critique people like kim kardashian and say, "she did nothing to get here," yes, she had an "upper hand," but do you know how many people were born with that same upper hand and are not even close to being the billionaire status that she has attained? her attitude made business decisions, ensured a name for herself, and worked every day. many people don't see what she is doing as actual work simply because it looks good and different from the work that people watching are doing, so it seems easy and enjoyable. grass is greener syndrome - people wanting what they can attain, often resulting in negative connotations around the person and jealousy.

i was in the park with two girlfriends this week and just found myself so down. they noticed and kept asking me what was wrong. you see, i'm not really the type of person who cries to friends about something serious, maybe about missing my nanny kids or the cute baby and the dog hugging. whenever i think of the reality of personal issues, it usually results in distance. you'll often hear me say, "i don't see the point in venting to others about my problems because what will they do for me?" which i honestly do believe. i am a harsh critic when it comes to others, of course, but on myself, i am simon cowell on drugs.

no one talks about how hard it is to have discipline. it is the one thing i may be upset with god for not giving me. i have no discipline. i say i will get up and study at 10:30 and won't get up until 11. i say that i am going to make 10 tiktok videos this week and end up scrolling on others' videos for 10 hours instead. i have all the big goals and aspirations in this life, but i struggle so hard with the main thing that will get me there. discipline falls into every aspect of your life - physical, mental, and financial. without these key essentials, how will i be something?

don't get me wrong; i plan and am praying on it constantly, trying to fix it, but i had to analyze and discuss this today. half of us work "average" 9-5 jobs, right? 8 hours. 8 hours doing whatever task we are assigned, making sure we arrive on time, and 8 hours going above and beyond, exceeding expectations to appease our employer. sounds easy? billions of people do it every day. now you come home 5-9. some people have families to feed, errands to run, and may mentally just need to unwind from the workday justified.

life is made up to be okay: preschool: completed, grade school: completed, high school and college (completed). now, what's life? go get a job, get married, have a couple of kids, and turn on your grill on sunday. this is over half of the lives of the 8 billion people in this country. do you know why? because it's what we see and are around. it's made to feel natural. although this is the dream for many, very few people in their jobs and families think of themselves solely. to fulfill your dreams, your actions need to be aligned with your aspirations. and i'm all over the place in this chapter but stay with me.

life is hard; it is literally hard. constantly trying to stay afloat, but when the day ends, unfortunately, it's only you. if you're weak-minded, you will fail because you cannot be weak-minded and live out your dreams. you have to be selfish and alter everything around you to get to that place. you have to be militant; sometimes, you may not feel like that's not who you can be. so, i mentioned kim kardashian earlier because that's someone who gets it. 

yes, the average single mother who works two jobs and barely has time to use the bathroom in peace; i'm sure she gets it when it comes to the militant work ethic and the endless red-eye nights. however, there are two different predicaments: one started her career working towards aspiration, and her track record never failed to achieve aspiration compared to maybe the single mother who couldn't go toward her aspiration first, whose sacrifices were based on trying to stay afloat.

lesson: ensure that your actions lead to your aspirations, including sacrifice."

"i am a realistic being. my sadness in that moment in the park came from realizing that i was made up of a bunch of slip-ups and knowing that i could easily give 12 hours to a job, come back home, and give nothing to my personal aspirations and goals. and it genuinely sucks for someone who holds themself to a high standard and has a bunch of dreams that would be world changing if i had the consistency and discipline. so, i'm leaving you with this quote that lives on my dresser and in my head rent-free.

denzel washington: 'imagine you're on your deathbed and standing around your deathbed are the ghosts representing your unfulfilled potential—the ghosts of the ideas that you never acted on, the ghosts of the talents that you didn't use.'

xxii,

just a fu:)king lady 

contrary to others, i do not think i'm entitled to anything, quite honestly. you have to work like everyone else to get to where you want to be.

grass is greener syndrome - people wanting what they can attain, often resulting in negative connotations around the person and jealousy.